This is a different type of post than I usually write, but as we all continue to navigate through this pandemic, there’s been a lot of things happening in the world as of late, and I wanted to share my thoughts, which will hopefully encourage others to do the same and speak up for what’s right.

To give some background to those that may not know me on a personal level, I have a mixed background, and I came to Canada as an Immigrant with my family in the early 90’s. I’m the youngest of two kids, though have grown up with the experience of being an only child because of the age gap between us.

I have been and am very lucky to be where I am today, with the support system that I have. But with recent events happening in the world, specifically in North America over these last few months, I’ve decided to share my story and experiences.

Growing up in an Asian household and in a new country, I always remembered how privileged we were/are. My parents wanted to come to Canada to provide for a better life for myself and my sibling, and while that may be the truth, it didn’t come without some obstacles. It was always top of mind that I was lucky, and because of that, I always did what I was told. I studied hard in school, did what my elder’s asked of me, and also didn’t create a big deal about things. I was always told to keep to myself, and fly under the radar, so that I didn’t cause any trouble or give anyone (family included) reason to talk about me in what was considered a negative light. As the stereotype in Asian families goes, we don’t talk about our feelings openly, and we again just “deal” with things, but again that was all with the silver lining of, “we’re so lucky!” I know that a lot of my Asian friends, and other friends that are minorities have experienced this as well.

I remember being bullied in school for having an accent (English was my second language) and also for being so little, and as a kid, all I ever wanted was to fit in. First it was – I wasn’t big enough, I wasn’t strong enough, I wasn’t Canadian enough, my English wasn’t good enough etc. And that in turn led me to work really hard to lose my accent so I could “fit in”, though in later years in school, it was then – I wasn’t Filipino enough, I wasn’t Chinese enough, and I (still) wasn’t big enough. I always had a feeling of “not enough”. I struggled with finding my identity and where I really belonged, and chalked it up to the fact that everyone faces struggles and I should be grateful always so I never made a big fuss about it. A lot of these culture norms in the Asian community has had a huge impact on the way I am, how I deal with my emotions, express myself, unrealistic standards, and fearful of always ending up of being a failure. And I know that I am not alone. It’s a continuous journey of being reflective of my past experiences, but also taking a moment to stop and say, just because that’s how it was, doesn’t mean that’s the way it needs to be.

Now there has been a lot of news lately about the increase of violence against the Asian / AAPI community, and quite honestly, it’s disgusting. Part of me wants to read every article, watch every video so that I can stay informed. But the other half of me is literally sick to my stomach of what I’m seeing, especially against the elderly and Asian women in particular. I’m angry, sad, and confused. And I’ll also admit that I’m scared. It doesn’t matter that a lot of these crimes are happening in the States, I know they happen here too. I’m scared not only for myself, but my parents, family, friends, and strangers.

These tragic events are horrific, and hit way too close to home. All I’ve been able to think about is the video of the Asian woman in New York, and how people were standing there and witnessed the attack and just … closed the door.

What if that was my Lola? Your Ahma? Our friend? Or even a stranger? It doesn’t matter who it is, but what does matter is what we do about it.

I’m heartbroken over what’s happening in the world, and I’m spending more time thinking about the times where I was silent and didn’t speak up for what was right. Thinking about how many times I let the racist joke with a Chinese accent slide because it was a “joke” and everyone laughed and thought it was funny. Thinking about how many times I’ve been asked ” where are you from? “ before anyone cared to say ” what’s your name? how are you doing? “. Thinking about how many times my last name hasn’t been pronounced properly but I didn’t want to seem difficult so I never corrected anyone. I realize now that my silence is actually ignorance, and that while it might not always seem like it, it actually encourages this behavior to continue to be “okay”. And while that might not seem like a big deal to some as it’s just “harmless” or “kids being kids” or whatever saying that came your mind, it’s actually a pretty big fucking deal.

Enough is enough.

Now as an adult, I’m able to spend time reflecting on past experiences, acknowledging them, and most importantly, learning to G R O W from them. While I’m still learning everyday about who I am, what and who I want to be, I am so proud of myself for recognizing boundaries, sticking up for myself and others, and doing what’s right. I will continue to challenge bias’ every day with my own experiences like being a female (and doubled up being a female in a male led industry), being an immigrant/minority, being diagnosed with anxiety/depression etc. I’m learning to not discredit my feelings or experiences because of the notion that others have it worse than me, but instead, recognizing it and having the courage to have those uncomfortable conversations with others, because that is when change can happen.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. But also, that is not enough.

Please, stand up for your Asian brothers and sisters, colleagues, friends and strangers. And also for everyone and anyone who experiences any sort of discrimination because of their religious beliefs, skin color, sexual orientation, disability, or anything that makes someone “different”. Check in on those friends even if it doesn’t seem like their struggling, everyone is going through something.
It isn’t right, and it isn’t fair. We all need to be allies for one another.

I hope reading this makes anyone feel the comfort of knowing they are not alone, and maybe gives someone the courage to speak up, no matter how big or small.

Sending you all light & love during these times,

Murs ❤